Broken Benson
by BittenBytheBuffyBug
Summary: Olivia doesnt deal with her emotions as well as everyone thinks. Olivia self harms and self medicates. Will become E/O In my mind Kathy and the kids dont exist :P Enjoy! BBBB
1. Im fine

Okay so this is my first ever fanfic, and of course I had write it based on the best show ever, SVU. This is only the first chapter, but the story is going to be centered on self harm and self medication. Any reviews are awesome! It is my first story so I'm open to critique; just try not to be an A-hole ;) I have a trucker mouth so I'm going to rate this story M just to be on the safe side. In my mind, anything after the second to last episode of season 12 does not exist. Elliot didn't leave and there are no new characters. Other than that, everything's the same. And I got to say this now: Olivia is not, nor will ever be raped in my story! Undercover happened, but NO RAPING OF OLIVIA. I 3 Mariska too much to even write that. And I apologize if there out of character. Enjoy. BBBB

Disclaimer thingy: Last time I checked I'm not a middle aged man… So unfortunately I don't own SVU. Or Mariska for that matter, sadly.

"Just admit it Jeff!" Olivia shouted sliding a photo of a young black haired girl across the table. "You raped her, you beat her, and when she wouldn't shut up, you killed her." She leaned over the table and gave him her famous Olivia Benson glare. "That's disgusting! You shut your mouth!" He shot out of his chair screaming at her, mere inches from her face. She didn't step back, or even blink. She stayed staring into his guilty gray eyes with her searing browns. Elliot stepped forward and shoved Jeff back into his chair. "Sit down!" He scolded. Elliot and Olivia had been in the interrogation room for over three hours. Olivia's patience was running dry. The perp, Jeff, had raped four girls between the ages of ten and fourteen. His latest rape victim, Samantha Currie, was also his first murder victim. An innocent life snuffed out with a blow to the head out at age eleven. "We have your DNA in all four victims. Trisha, Brittany, Taylor, and Samantha." Elliot laid the four photos in front of Jeff, who immediately shoved them aside. "You're a liar! Lying bitch!" He flew across the table grabbing for Olivia's shoulders. But before he was able to make contact, Olivia slammed his face into the thick wood. She moved swiftly to the opposite side and pinned his arms tightly behind his back, keeping a firm hand on his head. Elliot handed her his cuffs but she scoffed and brushed his hand away. Grasping his hair she lifted his head and slammed it into the table, harder this time. He grunted in pain but Olivia gripped his hair harder. "Is this how you killed her Jeff?! Did you smash her head on the ground or did you hit her with a two by four?!" She lifted his head roughly, preparing for another slam, but Elliot was pulling Olivia off of the crying man. "I'm suing bitch!" He pulled himself off the table and shouted. "Worthless prick!" Olivia spat while struggling against Elliot's strong arms. When he brought her out of the room and closed the door, Cragen was standing there looking furious. "Let go!" She jolted out of Elliot's grasp and stalked to her desk. Cragen followed with Elliot close behind. "What the hell was that, Benson?!" Cragen demanded. She turned sharply with anger flaring in her eyes. "He assaulted me, you saw that!" She countered. "What I saw was an incoming lawsuit for harassment!" Cragen stated angrily. "He's a rapist!" Olivia huffed and picked up her brown leather jacket and water bottle. "Who has rights until convicted! Take the rest of the day off. Don't come back until you get it together." He scolded before walking into his office and slamming the door behind him. "Liv, what happ-" Elliot started but was quickly cut off. "I just need some air." She walked briskly to the staircase leading to the roof. Elliot stood there confused and worried. As much as he enjoyed seeing that son of a bitch's head getting used as a hammer, he was concerned about Olivia. This was the fifth time in two months that she had roughed up a perp. Usually Elliot was the one to lose his temper while Olivia kept him in line. Something was definitely off, but whenever he tried to get her to talk about it, she would clam up and dismiss him. Olivia was never one to talk about her emotions, but being her partner and best friend for so long Elliot could always tell when something was wrong. He waited a few minutes before heading up to the roof to find her. She was standing by the edge, looking down at the city. She didn't look as angry as she did a few minutes ago, but she still looked agitated and tense. He stood at the door for a moment. He watched her take a small white pill out of her the pocket on her dark gray corduroys. She popped it into her mouth a tilted her head slightly while taking a drink from her water bottle. Such a small gesture surprised Elliot; she usually had to be begged to take so much as an asprin. Strong willed and stubborn were two of her best and worst qualities. "Headache?" Elliot asked casually while approaching her. She turned her head startled, "Migraine." She explained, not taking her eyes off the busy city view. "What's going on with you Liv?" He asked sympathetically nudging her shoulder with his. "Nothing El, I'm fine." She lied. "I'm your partner, you can talk to me." "There's nothing to talk about. I'm fine." Her voice oozing false certainty. "You should take the rest of the day off, I'll drive you." Elliot stated. "No I brought my car, I'll give Don a few hours to cool down. I'll be back around seven." Finally bringing her eyes to his, she gave him a strained smile. Knowing there wasn't much he could do, he smiled and watched her walk away.


	2. Mix

Hey everyone! I hope you liked the first chapter, and here's my second :D By the way I decided to set the scene for this story in early season 10, when Mariska's hair is just touching her shoulders and all caramel colored and adorable! ;) But instead of whatever that blonde bitches name was… Kim... Cam… Fuck if I know. I'm going to use Casey as the ADA :D happy reading! BBBB

If I owned SVU Christopher Meloni would still be on it. So I clearly don't. Sadly.

When Olivia arrived at her apartment she headed straight for her bathroom. Turning her shower on and discarding her work clothes she stood in front of her mirror. Putting a hand over her necklace she couldn't help but smile. Elliot had given her a gold necklace with the word 'fearlessness' inscribed on it. He had bought it for her after an especially tough case involving a shootout. She opened up to Elliot for the first time after two years of partnership. She was convinced she had shown weakness to the shooter, because she shook while holding her gun. But he quickly corrected her, "No Liv, it shows fearlessness to face the fear without backing down." A few days later he surprised her with the necklace, she's worn it everyday since. Her smile disappeared as her eyes fell to her scarred thighs. Something she had started when she was young, and had yet to quit. Much like an alcoholic it was her dependency. "All my life I've criticized my mother for having an addiction… yet all this time I've had my own." She whispered as the mirror began to fog with steam. She showered until the water was cold. Her job kept her on her toes, always getting things done as quickly as possible, so when she got the time to relax she took it with no hesitation. She dried off and changed into navy blue sweat pants and a loose fitting gray hoodie over a black tank top. Flopping onto her bed she reached across her nightstand, retrieving a small black box behind a picture of her and Serena. Opening the box, a silver razor blade greeted her with its clean shine. She shimmied her sweats to her knees. A ritual she was so used to, it was as if she was on autopilot. Her scars and cuts covered the outer sides of her thighs. Starting from just above the knee and ending just below her hips. Some marks were two days, two years, or twenty years old. It's the only thing that remained the same since she was fifteen, cutting. She pressed the tip of the blade to her thigh when she heard three knocks on her door. "Damn." She muttered placing the blade back into its spot and sliding back into her sweat pants. She looked through the peeky hole already knowing who it was, sighing she opened the door to see Elliot standing with a smile on his face holding up a brown paper bag. "Hungry?" He gazed in amazement with a love struck smile at how Olivia could look so beautiful when so casual. Her hair was slightly messy and wet, she was make-up free and flawless, making sweats look like a million dollar outfit. "I know how to feed myself, El." She said sarcastically while walking into the kitchen. He closed the door and followed her in, "I know that, I just thought I'd check to see if everything was okay and I figured you hadn't eaten yet so…" He placed the bag on her kitchen counter. She smirked both loving and hating how well he knew her. "Fine." She took two plates out of her cabinet, "Lets eat." They filled their plates and got settled in her living room. She sat cross legged facing him, who sat on the love seat across from her. She could feel his eyes on her as she poured sesame seeds onto her dinner. He was waiting for her to speak up about what had been going on with her. "Something you wanna ask me?" She asked irritated. "Something you wanna tell me?" He replied calmly. "Just drop it El." He set his plate on the table and moved to where she was sitting. "You're my partner and best friend Liv; I care about you way too much to just drop it." Placing her plate next to his she stood quickly, "I…I'll be right back." She was already in her room before he had the chance to say anything. Shit…he knows. He knows. He knows. He knows! She thought angrily as her breathing became heavy and her heart began to race. She retrieved her razor blade and rolled up her pant leg. Her mind was foggy and her hands shook. She pressed the sharp tip to her olive tanned thigh. The familiar pinch followed by the wet sting brought on a feeling of control. Her hands steadied along with her breathing, her heart rate returned to normal and her mind cleared. She was normal again. Waiting a few minutes with a tissue pressed to the cut, she gave it the usual amount of time it takes to clot and took another pill. She returned to the couch, where Elliot sat looking very concerned. "Elliot you don't have to worry about me so much. I know how to take care of myself I've done it my whole life." Elliot slid closer to Olivia on the couch and put one hand on hers, "That's the problem you're used to dealing with your problems alone, I'm saying that you don't have to. I'm here whenever you want to talk." A pang of guilt stabbed at her heart. "There's nothing to talk about." She explained. He rubbed her hand before standing and walking to her kitchen, "Want anything to drink?" "Very much." she smiled following him into the kitchen. "Whattaya got?" He grinned lifting himself onto the counter and sitting. She took a bottle of rum out of her cupboard and two cans of coke out of her fridge. She held them up smiling, he took two glasses and they walked back to the couch. They poured the drinks and finished their dinner; Olivia was almost done her second drink when she realized she probably shouldn't have mixed the rum with the pills she had taken. "Oh c'mon lightweight you cant be drunk already." Elliot teased nudging her leg with his. She shook her head, feeling dizzy and faint. "No I um, I'm not feeling well. I think I should lie down." She stood and wobbled slightly; Elliot quickly got to his feet and steadied her. "Liv, what's the matter?" His voice filling with concern. Her legs felt heavy and weak, she settled back down onto the couch, this time almost sitting on Elliot's lap. He had one arm around her back and the other on her knee. "I just remembered I took a pain killer. I'm not supposed to mix alcohol with Vicodin. It makes me dizzy." She explained. "Why have you been taking Vicodin?" Elliot was getting more and more concerned about her. "I hurt my back a little while ago." She lied. "I'll go get you a glass of water." He stood carefully and walked to her cupboard. You idiot. He thinks you're pathetic and weak. She scolded herself while pinching her thigh. He returned shortly and handed her a cold glass of water. She gave him a small smile and drank most of it. "You should sleep it off." She nodded and stood once again, shutting her eyes tight, willing the dizziness to pass. He wrapped his arm around her waist and led her into her bedroom. He had only been in there twice before, it was like forbidden territory. Every time he went in there he never wanted to leave. He led her onto her dark blue duvet and pulled down the sheets, she slid into her bed guided by his strong arm. He pulled the covers up to her arms, "Thanks El." She mumbled sleepily into her pillow. "Anytime Liv." He smiled down at her "Do you want me to stay here tonight? I can crash on the couch." He suggested. "No, no, I'll be fine." She mumbled with her eyes closed. "Are you sure?" He pushed. "If your still here when I wake up I'm gonna get my gun and shoot you." She laughed tiredly, half joking. He smiled widely at her Badass Benson routine, touched her shoulder and let himself out of her room. He tidied her apartment and headed out, she slept peacefully in her room, wishing she had let him stay, but instead slept through another night alone.


	3. Just a litte too deep

Hey readers! So I already updated today, but all the views got me pumped to type up chapter 3! :D I can sleep later… ;) xoxoxxooxx

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Olivia slinked into the squad room the next morning hoping her lateness would go unnoticed. "Hey Liv, late night?" Fin grinned at her. "Woke up late." She smiled unconvincingly. He caught her lie but didn't question it. She sighed in relief and sat down at her desk. "Hey, how ya feeling?" Elliot looked up from his papers with concern in his eyes. "Fine, fine, just a little tired." She ignored his concern and opened a folder. He handed her a coffee which she took graciously. She was still tired and lightheaded from last night; Elliot took note of how her hand shook when she reached for the drink. "You sure you're okay?" He questioned again, getting more worried. "I'm fine, El." She snapped. Elliot took the hint and got back to his work.

Olivia quietly opened her desk drawer. She kept a razor blade in there, along with a few bandages, just in case. She discretely took the razor and a band aid in her hand then headed to the washroom. After the stall was locked she leaned against the cold metal door and let out a long exhale. She slid her black pants to just above her knees. She could feel her chest tighten with a panic attack approaching. The blade found its way to her left thigh halfway to her knee and hip; her fingers pressed the blade just a little too deep as the razor slid just a little too wide. "Fuck." The blade fell out of her shaky grasp as her hands flew to the toilet paper dispenser. Pressing the tissue against the gash slowed the bleeding a little, but she knew it would require stitches. She wrapped the bandage over her cut and fixed her attire; sliding the razor blade into her back pocket.

Elliot looked up to see Olivia rushing out of the washroom, heading for her desk. She had a very slight limp and a panicked look on her face. He immediately stood, "What's wrong?" He placed a worried hand on her back. She grasped his arm and pulled him into the hall, the prescient was busy enough for no one to notice. "I n-need you to take me to the hospital." She gritted her teeth. It was difficult for her to ask someone for help, but she could feel her blood seeping through the bandage. "What? Why? What happened?" Elliot felt adrenaline rise in his chest. "No questions. Hospital. Now." She leaned against the wall for support. "Stay here." Elliot darted back to his desk, grapping his jacket and keys. He led her into the elevator; she leaned against him to keep from collapsing, he held her comfortingly until the elevator stopped.

When they got outside Olivia stumbled and wrapped her arms around Elliot's neck. "Fuck." She cringed in pain. He wasted no time debating as he scooped one arm under her knees, the other under her arms, which she wrapped tighter into his embrace. His hand felt the wet spot on her leg; he noticed it was blood when sliding her into the passenger seat. He made a move to help with her seat belt, but she batted his hand away, "I can do that myself, just drive." He did as told and tore out of the parking lot with the siren blaring. She pressed her hands against the cut and applied pressure. Her blood was seeping through her fingers. He put his right hand over hers and pressed down harder, "What the hell happened?" He questioned, his eyes darting from the road to her. "I-Somethi-Just get me to the damn hospital!" He felt her hands release their tense hold, he looked over to see her head slumped to the side; she passed out. "Shit! Liv!? Liv you gotta wake up!" Elliot pulled up right outside the entrance and carried her into the ER. Two EMT's rushed a stretcher over to them, he laid Olivia onto it. "Sir, Can you tell me what happened?" A nurse stopped Elliot from following the stretcher through the double doors. "I don't know, she was fine, then her leg- she lost a lot of blood." Elliot choked out with tears in his eyes. "I'm going to need you to fill this out." She handed him a clipboard with medical questions on it. He sat in one of the waiting room chairs and filled out what he could. He was finished five minutes later and handed it back to the nurse. "When can I see her?" His voice shaky with panic. "She's in surgery right now; we'll let you know when she's stable." She explained.

Elliot sank back into the padded chair and pulled out his cell phone. Four missed calls from Cragen, he hit speed dial 2 and waited for him to answer. "Stabler!? Where the hell did you and Benson run off too!?" "Liv cut her leg, I'm at mercy general." Cragen immediately changed his tone, "Oh god, is she okay?" "I…I think so, she's in surgery." "I'll let everyone know, we'll be there as soon as we can." "Thanks Cap." Elliot hung up and let a few tears fall. The first person to arrive was Casey. She had tear streaks on her porcelain cheeks, and her strawberry blonde hair was slightly tangled. "Elliot, what happened?!" She cried breathlessly rushing over to him. Elliot stood and placed a hand on her shaking shoulder. "She cut her thigh, she's in surgery." He led her into the seat next to him, putting aside his worry to comfort the panicked ADA. "How did she get cut?" "She was in the bathroom, then a minute later she comes out and she's bleeding. She wouldn't tell me what happened." Elliot explained. Tears began to roll down her cheeks; Elliot embraced her in a comforting hug. "She's gonna be fine Case." She pulled away and nodded, her curls bouncing against her shoulders. Cragen, Munch and Finn showed up a few minutes later. Elliot explained what happened and they sat in a worried silence until a doctor walked through the ER doors. "Olivia Benson?" She asked aloud. Elliot stood immediately, "Is she okay?"

Sooo… a cliffy! What can I say, I'm a bitch :P Hugs and kisses! And sweet dreams to all you night owls ;)

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	4. Broken

Good morning everyone! Or technically good evening… but for the ones who drank a shit load of Coke and had a feast of gummy sharks and bubble gum then stayed up all night playing Left4Dead (like moi!) Good luck keeping your eyes open long enough to read this ;) Thank you to the readers and the reviewers!

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Disclaimer: Not mine, but I can dream cant I? :)

"She's fine; we stitched the laceration to her thigh. She's still unconscious, but should be waking up within the hour." The group let out relieved sighs and 'thank you's. Elliot shook the doctors hand gratefully, "Thank you so much Dr.?" "Adams, Dr. Adams." "Can we see her?" Casey cut in. "In a moment, I need to speak with an Elliot Stabler beforehand." She looked to the men in the group. "I'm Elliot, what's the problem?" Dr. Adams guided him away from the rest. "Do you mind me asking about your relationship with Ms. Benson?" "Were partners with NYPD Special Victims Unit, we've been best friends for about ten years, why?" Dr. Adams took a deep breath, "You're her next of kin, so its hospital policy we let you know she's on suicide watch." Elliot felt the air escape his chest, "What?! No, Olivia wouldn't try to kill herself." "I'm sorry Detective Stabler, but when we did the examination we found scarring to both thighs consistent with self mutilation." Elliot couldn't believe the news he was receiving. "Olivia's a cutter?" He asked in disbelief. Dr. Adams nodded, "For quite some time now, judging by the most faded scars, she's been cutting since she was a teenager." "So she cut her leg on purpose?" "Yes, although we don't think she was trying to commit suicide, the rate she's self destructing at; she's lucky you brought her in now." He sighed sadly. "Detective Stabler, does she have any family or relatives?" He shook his head, "No, her mom died a few years ago, no father or siblings in the picture. We are her family." He gestured back to Don, Finn, Munch and Casey. She nodded sympathetically, "When her 48 hours are completed, she can't be discharged on her own, and she's going to need someone to stay with her until she's well enough to look after her self. If none of you are able, we have nurses-" Elliot interrupted her. "She'll stay with me." Dr. Adams nodded again, "We also found high doses of Hydrocodone, Paracetamol, Diazepam and alcohol. The levels of medication in her system are highly dangerous when mixed with alcohol." The events of last night flooded Elliot's memory, "Last night, she drank a few glasses of Rum and Coke, she said she felt dizzy. I gave her a glass of water and put her to bed. I didn't think…" Elliot's voice trailed off. "There's no permanent damage done to her liver or other organs. We put her on an IV to flush the toxins from her system." "Can I see her?" Dr. Adams motioned for the other four to follow; they walked in silence until they reached her door. "If any problems occur, tell one of the nurses to page me. And try not to stay too long, she needs to rest." Dr. Adams left with a comforting smile. They opened the door to see Olivia sitting upright in the hospital bed with the blanket pulled up to her waist; her arms folded in front of it. Her hair was tangled and she looked pale in the hospital gown, she had an IV in her hand and one of those finger clip things on her index. A nurse was explaining something to her and she was nodding in understanding. They turned when the door opened, "Looks like you have visitors, I'll check in later Olivia." Olivia smiled and nodded. The nurse padded away giving the group a smile. They walked in cautiously, not knowing what to expect. Casey sat on the edge of the bed; Elliot sat in one of the chairs next to her, Finn and Munch in the other. Cragen stood by the door. "Liv what happened?" Casey asked concerned. "I'm so clumsy," she said casually giving a weak smile, "this morning, I fell on a wine glass. I thought it wasn't too bad, but I guess I was wrong." Everyone nodded, not believing her lie. But they all trusted Elliot to get the truth. Olivia caught Elliot's eyes; hers dark brown pools of pain, raw vulnerability, sadness, lonely anguish. His strong blues held hope, love, fear for his Liv, but most of all; strength, courage and bravery. The moment there eyes locked she knew he knew her secret. They all talked casually until Casey had to get to court, Cragen, Munch and Finn had to get back to the 1-6. Cragen gave Elliot the day off so he could stay with Liv. They sat in silence after they left, both not knowing what to say. It was Elliot who finally spoke up, "Why?" She opened her mouth but couldn't manage any words. Instead, she broke. All the tears she had pushed away, refusing to let fall after every case, after sleepless nights alone, after countless times she wanted to just scream that she wasn't okay. All of her unshed tears poured, she could barely breath between sobs. Elliot slid onto the bed next to her, wrapping his arms around her quivering body. She tried to push him away, trying to keep as much strength and control she could. But he hugged her tighter, refusing to let her cry alone. She gave up and fell against his chest, grasping onto his shirt as if it was keeping her from falling. He had his one hand wrapped around her waist, keeping her close to him, the other on the side of her face, holding her to his chest.

Shitty end chapter I know :P But I will put up the next chappie soon! :) Thanks for reading! And sorry its so short! I'll try to make the next one longer!

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